Sunday, December 11, 2005

Nearing the End

Rene and I are struggling through what we hope is our last week together. She is scheduled to move Wednesday, the 14th, but some snafu with the closing may push it to later . I alternate between grief and exasperation, as we both try to take the high road during this ending.

I am trusting she is packing only her fair share, and she is working not to hear sarcasm every time I ask her a question about the move. It is difficult and painful for both of us. She has been able to close down more than I can(or want to) so she is not seeing the good things we still have. I cannot stop seeing them, though it is time to move on.

I know that my new life will grow to be better than my life now. I will have room for more altars, more silence, more meditation, more solitude. I am waiting for images to rise from within, symbols to take in and learn from, a new sense of potential to surface.And I am scared of being lonely, and having to do changes blindly, without knowing where I will be going, or where I will be lead. I'm scared about a lot of things- about money and friends(who will go with Rene, who will stay with me-it's inevitable), of how I'll get the snow off my car(can't shovel-heart condition), of having to purge a lot of stuff, for I know my clutter is bad for me, even of setting up my own routine-it's been 13 years since I lived alone.

But there is no doubt I will make a new life, accept change, even if I can't embrace it with wild enthusiasm. I am glad Winter Solstice is soon, for the re-birth of Light into the world is part of what this change is all about for me, and I plan to honor and cherish the gift of Light this year.

Blessings, Margo


Virginia said...

I hope too that you can trust her to take only her fair share. When my thirteen year relationship ended she took, well, far more than her fair share. She brought multiple people in to move stuff out and it was essentially all of them against me alone, so she was able to rape and pillage. Even then she would not immediately turn over the key. That was the most alone I ever felt. The good news is that everything IS better after the lowest spot.

My ex would have never tolerated me being a vegetarian, practicing anamistic beliefs and wouldn't have ever wanted to tolerate the inconveniece this diabetes is going to cause. So, what a gift to me that she is way gone. She had to leave for there to be room for Judi to come.

You will find ways to blossom that you will never have expected.



Judith HeartSong said...

I am thinking of you and am glad that your new beginning can start soon.
You will always have friends here.

Gabreael said...

Just remember that every new beginning starts with some other beginnings end.

Take Care,


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