Monday, October 30, 2006

this too shall pass

well, i never made it to a nursing home. i got caught in workers' comp hell. it's a long story, too long to type with my left hand, but suffice it to say that i was home alone for most of the last week, fighting with my case worker, who had hired a healthcare company that kept no-showing. Wednesday, i fired them- a heady moment-and called my worker to demand a new company, and my lawyer to back me up, and the new company arrived early Friday morning.

and that's the short version!

i did have some help, mostly from peggy, who has stopped by most days, from robin, who calls daily, and twice from the local visiting nurses, despite my case worker's angry statement they would not get paid.[i've already spoken to my lawyer-they will get paid!]

so how have i been? you may well ask. well, i made it through, through my pain, my loneliness, my rage, my fear of falling-I did go down once, but managed to land softly and get up-my anger over my situation, my inability to take the tops off my meds or crush them, my continuing doubts that surgery was the wrong choice, and way too many hours of television, because anesthesia messes up my ability to retain what i read.

i have also been feeling sad and alone in the world. but i have once again been caught in the cycle of asking myself why i have so few friends. something i've done? or not done? with my head, i recognize it has been because i have been out of work-and out of the world-for over three years now. but emotionally it feels as if it is something i've done wrong. this too shall pass, it always does

and why has my daughter not been around at all, to drop by with[or even without] myla? i know she is working 60 to 70 hours a week, has the baby, and adam just moved in last week. also, all three of them have been miserably sick, especially myla who can't breath and nurse at the same time, and keeps screaming with frustration. just a few small things, you know, :) still, i miss her.

today i had my first check up post surgery. i am doing well, all things considered, but have to keep the staples for another week. it may well be three or four weeks before i can drive. on the other hand, i can start mild occupational therapy here at home. it is a small step towards having a life again.

blessings, margo


Virginia said...

Hang in there. Each day that passes is one day closer to your complete recovery! I am glad to see you are posting. You must be one hellofa left handed typist!

Peace, Virginia

Becky said...

Well [string of explitives deleted]! No wonder you're feeling down! It's like the damn system has forgotten you! I'm glad you have a lawyer to fight for things that should have been done. But dammit, aren't health care workers supposed to CARE about the people they are charged with the care of? Not showing up...unacceptable! They know you are there alone and incapacitated. That just sucks! Now I'll just send healing vibes your way because it looks like you'd better heal fast. They haven't given you much of a choice there. I wish I lived closer. :-(

And I know what you mean about friends. I haven't made any friends in my immediate area since I left high school. I have some online friends...but that doesn't help when you wish someone would just stop by with a tuna casserole in hand to chat. I've realized something about myself, I think. I don't know how to make friends. I was lucky in that a couple women decided they wanted to be friends with me back in the day. But now? I am a stay at home mom. I used to meet people at work too, but none of them really became friends outside of the office. I could try to befriend the moms of Tyler's classmates, I guess. But how? I really don't know.

I guess you and I both need a hobby that takes us outside the house to where people meet. Maybe I should go to a local Weight Watchers meeting. Maybe I'll meet someone there. You? Have you thought about online dating services? I thought that might make you laugh. ;-) One of these days when you are past the surguries and whatnot. :-)

christapaz said...

You sound good in spite of all the problems. Pain meds always make me weepy and sad. Yes, all of my friends are from outside places that I began going without knowing anyone. You will get there, but not until you feel better. By the way, Meg probably doesn't want to get you sick. That's the last thing you need. love, christa

Marc Olmsted said...

I would surmise that you have less friends than you might because you allowed Renee to be you social life for so many years no?
You're a champ and a survivor.

hestiahomeschool said...

Oh, sweetie, I wish we lived closer. I suspect that you are not happy with superficial relationships that most people settle for and call "friends". I have a lot of people who think they are my friend but I know deep down they would not be there when I need them.
It is more like we are really aquaintances.
You are a priceless, special jewel of a person with a very special heart.

love, Kas

ChasingMoksha said...

There is a positive tone to it all. I like that...Remember you are the Warrior Woman!

Judith HeartSong said...

oh, big hugs to you..... you are very very brave.