Once Again, Warrior Woman

Yes, I am still alive and struggling in Southeastern, CT. I am scheduled for back surgery on the 23rd-yes this coming Thursday- to take care of the back pain before I have this shoulder surgery I've needed for 18 months.

Another Eminent DR from Yale is going to do a kyphoplasty. I came right home and googled it. They stick a needle between the vertebrae, blow up a balloon to make space, then fill the hole with cement. Medical cement, not construction cement, I'm told.

I have not been online much for a long time because it hurts to sit in this chair, and my AOL security 9 is terminally screwed up, and I haven't got the energy to fix it. I am now on an AOL 8 I found by accident stored who knows where, and I'm not sure I'll find it again.

How do I feel about the preperation, the MRI the DR's visits and blood draws and drive to Yale to meet the anestesiologist-all crammed into five days? It hasn't been a great week, full of driving-which hurts my back-and pain pills which reduce me to a blithering idiot-I hate the feeling-and I am now walking with a cane because I can't walk straight without it(maybe that's cuz I'm gay!)

I have all the normal feelings-fear, anger, sadness, hopelessness, flashbacks to one terrible hospitalization, but I am not giving in to any of them. Warrior Woman has put her war paint on and taken up residence, and will see me throughout. It will be safe to feel the feelings after the surgery.

And it sucks being quite alone through all of this. My friends have rallied round with promises to take me down and pick me up, and Peggy, my friend of 52 years (We're 56 now!) has been dropping by and doing my laundry and being generally helpful, but I am still alone in the house a lot and I miss Rene-the good times, of course, not the bad ones. Not that I want her living here again. We talk business occasionally on the phone, and she's pleasant but not friendly.

I got a wonderful surprise when Amy, our resident hippie, ran across my number, and felt moved to call me. It was wonderful. We could talk to each other about issues and problems and joys that we knew about from our journals-it was truly talking to a friend. And it came out of the blue for me, and was a real blessing.

Think of me, or pray, or send energy, or thoughts, or Light, on Thursday morning when I have surgery; Warrior Woman welcomes all kind of help from any Source that is meaningful to you. Thank you all.

Blessings, Margo