Since my back has gotten no better, I went to the ER yesterday for an X-Ray. Yup, I have a compression fracture of the L 3 vertebra. I fell New Year's Day because I got dizzy.

I have been having dizzy spells when I stand up for a couple of month or so( or more) and a couple of times I have fallen-which isn't as bad as trying to get up from the floor once I am down. I am always glad no one is around for this maneuver., It involves shuffling on my rear end to a chair, finding a pillow for my knees along the way, then struggling onto my knees, pulling myself up with my weak arm screaming for mercy, until I can get my feet under me and push into a semi-standing position. From there I can rise gracefully, as I was taught so many years ago at Shipley School, the all girls finishing school I attended. Miss Spear and Miss Wagner would be proud of the last part of the maneuver, although I suspect they are rolling in their graves at the first part of the enterprise of getting up.

I may have gone off my subject a bit, but I can still curtsey pretty well (when I am not dizzy) in case I am ever presented to the Queen, and I can descend a sweeping stairs side ways in a ball gown, should that opportunity arise. And to be fair, I can still read Beowulf , which we first studied in 6th grade. Funny how the mind works. Eventually I was sent off to a co-ed Quaker boarding school where I learned to be a leftist radical hippie, a different story all together.

In case you are were worried, I have seen my doctor, had a 90 minute evaluation for vertigo, and will go back for more appointments, have an appointment with a PA at my orthopedist's office, and am waiting for a call back from my cardiologist in case it is somehow heart related. And to top it off, I see the Eminent Shoulder Doctor on Monday. If he says surgery, I'll have to fit it in somehow. If he says surgery won't help, I am stuck here with my arm and shoulder pain forever, and will have to cope.

I am coping ok without Rene, especially by day. By night I miss her presence in the house, her laughter at the TV drifting in from the other room, her funny comments on the newspaper, that sort of small thing. I still cry, but I know it will get better with time. Saturday four friends and I will have a small ritual and smudge the house, asking for light and the opportunity for growth to fill the house and each other. My purpose is not to "get rid of Rene", but to allow her good (Light) aspects to stay, and nudge her unhappy( Dark) aspects out. I hope I can still lead powerful, but simple, ritual, something that I stopped doing with Rene in the house.

I cannot sit in a chair very long because of my poor broken back, but I appreciate your comments a lot, and am reading journals slowly, knowing now that I will never catch up, just start again as time goes on.

Blessings, Margo