Saturday, January 06, 2007

Happy New Year?

Happy New Year to all. I have been browsing around the Internet and lots of people are making resolutions, optimistically looking forward to all the possibilities the years will offer. Needless to say, I am not one of them.

I know that Warrior Woman, that part of me that keeps me moving forward no matter what, is alive and doing her job. I am doing my physical therapy exercises at home as well as at the p.t. office. I've tried driving a couple of times, but still don't feel safe, so I have accepted another week or two of being home. I am thinking of places I can walk once I'm free to drive again. I have even answered an Internet match e-mail.(Thank you, Becky, you didn't think I'd take up your suggestion from several months ago seriously, did you?) But of course, I can't drive yet, so I can't get out there to meet anyone yet.

But I am not filled with enthusiasm about anything-a sure sign of depression. I am once again in the dark pit, and have been for quite a while. I am quite able to put on the happy face for a few hours, a day here or there, an entry or two here, but afterwards the smile goes and I am left alone in my house, with nobody to talk to and nothing to do.

Meg calls with questions about what to do in her life, and when I have asked her to take me to a doctor's appointment, she has complied. But if I ask too much, she makes me aware of it. Peggy calls most days, and drops by for brief visits on the weekend. I go for physical therapy twice a week. Other than that, I am alone at home and talk to no one. The days are long and the nights are filled with HGTV and the Discovery channels.

I rarely fall into blaming myself for being alone anymore. I do not believe it is something I do or did, or that I am unfriendly, or not worth being friends with. I know my strengths-compassion, a nonjudgmental attitude, self-awareness, inner strength and a stick-to-it-ness that kicks in whether I want it to or not. I know at least some of my faults-I am neurotically early, I am afraid of peoples' rage, I am such an introvert that I have to retreat to know what I am feeling. And perhaps worst of all, I was born with my cup half empty. Telling me to be optimistic is like telling a chronic depressive to just cheer up.

But none of this explains why I am so alone. People who have partners or families or friend they go out with or coworkers they like have no idea what it is like to speak to no one for literally days on end. No, this is not a pity party. It is a form of musing, to put life into perspective.

I think I am alone because life, the universe, fate, the gods, the Goddess, whatever, dealt me a series of long term blows and I had to let go of everything to concentrate on survival and then healing. There is no great plan to teach me some big lesson, although I have learned some things about myself, loyalty, and courage. There is no big reason, no Goddesses or fates or fairies who stepped in to smite me down like God did Job. It all just is, and I cannot fix it right now. I can only keep going as I am.

I cannot screw up much enthusiasm this New Year. Each of the last three years has been miserable in its own different way. And I have kept on keeping on. I will do the same this year, blindly believing that things can only get better...or worse. Either way I will keep on keeping on.

Blessings, Margo


Anonymous said...

Well, I'm glad you haven't succumbed to the current, common cant of "I know this is part of some larger plan," or "I realize that this is what is SUPPOSED to be happening." What you're having to go through is a drag.

Are you going to be able to, for instance, take a recreational course or something like that anytime soon? Photography or something, you know? With people in it?

Magogo's Musings, too said...

I'm actually looking around for a volunteer position some place that needs a non-judgmatic listener who walks with a snazzy blue walker. Margo

Anonymous said...

Oh Margo! I think I am going to throw myself on you and visit in the summer. Then after dealing with me for a while you will wish to be alone.


Marc Olmsted said...

This is that nudge for you to go to that place we talked about.
I PROMISE you'll feel better.

Becky said...

You make me want to chuck things into a suitcase and come wisk you off to the casino or someplace else with a spa. I hope we can do just that one of these days soon. You need some pampering. So do I, for that matter. I've never felt so frumpy and old in my entire life! Why does 40 seem to be that magic age where everything seems to sag, break down or ache? Sheesh! Like you, I feel lonely for adult friendship. Yes, I have John and my kids...but John is very busy with work...Tyler with school...and Max is needy without quite being companionable yet. I do chat online on occasion with one friend. And yes, it's hard to be chatty when you hate talking on the phone. I guess in some ways I have managed to isolate myself. I am also an intovert which makes putting myself out there to make new friends very difficult. I don't deal with anxiety well. I find myself drawn to women who have similar personalities, quirks, and short comings. If we weren't so shy, loved phone chats, and didn't have either physical or other things limiting our time online; perhaps... well I think you know where my thoughts are going. I'm still sending you healing thoughts and hope you start feeling less pain and more energy and confidence soon.