Saturday, November 25, 2006

Giving Thanks

Not surprisingly, I have been meditating on giving thanks these last few days. Mostly I have always given thanks for the good things in my life-Meg, Myla, family and friends, the beauty of where I live, my partner and job, the food on the table, the abundance in my life.

This year, I have come far enough to be thankful-at least to some degree-for the difficulties life has handed me in the last three and a half years. I have lost both job and partner, ice cream comfort eating and 200 pounds, friends and financial comfort, my sense of balance and independence, and more. But because of all this, I have had time, days and days of time.

I've spent a lot of those days in serious pain, physical and emotional. I have cried me a river, fallen into the dark pit of depression and been stuck there, and crawled out, almost literally. I have had surgery four times, rehabbed three times and am in the beginning stages of my fourth. My years as a diabetic caught up with me-I'm dizzy a lot, cannot feel my feet, and now fall a lot. And more.

But, as I meditate this weekend of thanks, I realize I am grateful, and blessed, to have adjusted enough to be happy sometimes. Despite it all, I like the life I have now, and the one I see just over the horizon. I have more surgery ahead of me, this time to remove the approximately 15 or more pounds of hanging skin left by my weight loss. But I now believe I will eventually get back to my HIV poz women in prison, and find other ways to volunteer in the community, hopefully with women.

And I am beginning to make new friends, slowly, and mostly online, but it is a start. Of course, I've had Peggy as a friend forever-53 years to be exact! What a gift to be thankful for. I really like living alone right now, too, even though at the moment I am relegated to the first floor only. I love my antiques and tatty old furniture and mismatched chairs. And I can keep it as clean-or cluttered-as I want to. [I am sure Rene feels the same!]

I find this all quite amazing. I really hadn't noticed that some happiness had crept into my life and lingered. I knew that sometimes l felt happy, but then some huge chunk of reality [like needing a walker, or no help when I got home from the hospital] would land on my head and knock me flat for a while, but these days when the crisis headache is over, life looks good again. Quite amazing, all things considered.

I am grateful that I can recognize that even when life throws me curve after curve, I can call on Warrior Woman to come to my aid, and can be strong and grounded and keep on getting up. Completely alone and on my own, if necessary.

A good recognition for a Thanksgiving Weekend, and I am truly grateful.

Blessings, Margo

PS Rene has begun posting again occasionally in her journal Growing Old Younger, over at aol, and often posts stuff I enjoy thinking over. M.


Anonymous said...

Dear Magogo,I just wanted to thank-you for publishing your thoughts and musings a fellow warrior having HIV, i know some of what you have to go through.If more of us continue to go public,folks will soon realize that each of us,brothers ,sisters,mothers,fathers,do not deserve the ignorence,stigma,and discrimination faced by PHA's all over the planet.james gough ,sudbury ont

Magogo's Musings, too said...

I am sorry if I wrote anything that mislead you-I am not HIV positive, though I have worked with many people who are, and, as an HIV counselor know the devastation it causes.
I certainly agree with you that those who are HIV positive need to "come out" if they are in a safe situation to do so. Nobody deserves the ignorance, stigma, and discrimination that has been-and continues to be- heaped on those who have the disease.

In one way or another I plan to continue to help those who are positive live better, fight the prejudice and shame, and know they deserve respect and frfiendship.

I am glad you read my journal, and certainly wish you the best.


Becky said...

I'm having a Virginia Slims moment...You've come a long way, baby! lol Sorry. ;-)

christapaz said...

Margo, you sound wonderful! Isn't it nice to have happiness creep in instead of depression. Right now I am happy more than I am depressed, but it isn't always that way. Anyway, you reminded me how comforted I am by my things, however old and insignificant they may seem to others. love, christa

Marc Olmsted said...

I's still reeling that you lost 200 lbs. Did you ever think you'd write those words?
2007 is the year all this time in the salt mines is gonna pay off, you watch.

hestiahomeschool said...

You are one of the blessings in my life...when one of Mandy's friends came out to me the other day I thought of you...I told her that there are so many fine women that are lesbian and that she will meet more people that are like-minded as she grows up and that we will always love her no matter what. I think she feels isolated right now. It is hard enough to be fifteen....

hestiahomeschool said...

Um, when I said "like mided" I didn't mean lesbian (Laughing at clumsiness) but liberal...

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