Attitude

I know that a positive attitude makes life better, helps one live longer, more joyfully, attracts good stuff( like good karma) into one's life. I know that seeing the glass half full is healthier than seeing it half empty, that reaching forward in anticipation is as important as exercise for wholeness and happiness. I know that change is inevitable, and needs to be embraced and celebrated and maybe even enjoyed. I know that many people embrace the "fake it till you make it" school of living and flow forward with their lives quite well.

I know all this in my head, and believe it to be true. It's just that I can't seem to live it, yet, because my heart or soul or guts or some part of me hasn't caught up yet. The best I can do is act as if what I am doing(physical therapy, working out with Glenn, my trainer, going to a whole lot of counseling, from nutritional to psychological, keeping every Dr's appointment scrupulously, choosing not to fight with Rene)is actually going to lead me somewhere I need to be. Some days I believe this, others I can't.

But I am doing well in some areas. Since April I have lost 117 pounds, 98 of them since surgery, on 7/11/05. I continue to work the WLS program, so to speak, although I still hate it, and every walk is a kind of a very slow forced march (I am up to a half of a mile, a couple times a week, weighted down with oxygen) I am getting along well with my daughter Meg, who is 32, and I'm able to do my own errands-like food shopping-by myself again. I am beginning to make tentative plans for how to live after Rene moves out.

Goddess knows, I am trying. But , under it all, my glass still feels half empty, and leaking, and that I wouldn't recognize a full glass if it hit me on the head. I don't like that about me, because I know I miss out on good opportunities. My first response to every new thought, idea or person is always "NO". Then I have to work myself around to the place where I can remind myself how much this was a healthy, self-protective response in childhood, but unhealthy and unnecessary now. This takes time sometimes and I miss out on positive opportunities and changes.

Change still feels as scary as it did when I started this Journal, but I am beginning to realize how much I have changed (yes, often kicking and screaming and crying and whining) since my catastrophic fall on 8/7/93, and that my own inner strength has been tested and none of this has killed me. I'm still coming to terms with lots of old, stuffed down feelings, but I am keeping up the "act as if" because I cannot imagine that life will not get better, easier, happier at some point. Maybe sooner rather than later. That seems to be a bit of positivity with which to end the day.

Blessings, Margo

I'm Still Here

I am alive and muddling through in Southeastern CT. I am also reading the9ose who have joined Blogger, I just cannot seem to make my comments post-I have not forgotten any of you, I am just so discombobulated that I cannot master this easily.
I hope that people will realize I am here and will eventually have my journal here, too.
This sounds rather plaintive, doesn't it? Does anyone know if it is possible to have some indication posted to aohell when someone here makes an entry in their journal? If so, how?
More eventually.
Blessings, Margo

MagogoSMusing

It has taken me this long to find energy to figure out how to get back into Blogger, and while I have been able to read everyone's Blogs, I have not been able to comment. Maybe I'll figure out tomorrow. Meanwhile, I am doing ok, living in the same suspended animation with Rene, but going about my business-dr's appts, gym, physical therapy, etc. I may evewntually do parallel journals, but for now I miss all of you whose journals I have not been able to comment on.
Also, is there any sort of notifyer to let people know when someone has put up a new post?
Blessings, Margo

Well, I am putting my eggs into two baskets, and keeping my options open until Rene moves out and I can decide who I will use as a carrier. More later.
Blessings, Margo